Truly Madly Deeply
by hevaann
Summary: Why are the moments we are granted, always left too late? Brendan/Ste


**Truly, Madly, Deeply**

A Stendan FanFiction

_Why are the moments we are granted, always left too late? _

:-:

Brendan was trying desperately not to resort to his old self. Time in Prison had given him a chance to think; to re-evaluate what mattered. It was incredibly easy once he had stopped fighting it. And having been cleared of all charges, he knew just where he was headed.

If he was completely honest, it worried him a little that Ste had never been to visit him while he was inside – which he guessed he deserved after everything he put the boy through, but it didn't make things any easier. But more than anything he feared that Ste had kept away because he believed Brendan guilty.

And yeah, it pissed him off that Ste could think him capable of murdering all those women – surely the boy knew him better than that. But just because it pissed him off didn't mean he was going to hit the boy, not this time. It may have taken a stint inside, but now he realised that if he wanted to keep Ste then he would have to treat him differently. And he did want to keep him – more than anything.

But first, of course, he would have to get him back.

He hadn't been sitting behind his old desk at _Chez Chez_ more than five minutes when there was a knock at the door. Cheryl had tried to persuade him to stay at home for a few days at least – eat some decent food, sleep in a soft bed – but Brendan knew there was no way he could stay there whilst forever waiting for that very same knock at the door.

And if he said his heart didn't jump when Ste sidled into the room then he would be lying. Brendan Brady, reduced to a stuttering heartbeat for a boy in a polo shirt.

"Can I have a word wi' ya Brendan?" Ste rung his hands but closed the door behind him which Brendan took to be a good sign. He stayed behind the desk though, not to spook him.

"I just wanted to say I'm dead sorry…" Ste started.

And that was enough to set Brendan off. He threw back his head and laughed until the tears ran down his cheeks. It was the best laugh he'd had in ages – watching Ste rush into yet another apology he had no cause to make.

"And why would yer say that Steven?"

If it were possible for Ste to look more awkward he would have done.

"Well, I believed them, didn't i? I'm a right idiot me."

"Steven, Steven, Steven. The evidence was there – what were yer supposed to believe?" Brendan wiped his face dry and looked Ste straight in the eye – he didn't move from behind the desk.

"But you're not a murderer Bren," He stopped to correct himself, "Not like that I mean. I should have known – I know you."

"Yeah, and yer of all people know how violent I get."

Ste stepped forward at this and once again opened his mouth to say something, but Brendan cut him off. This may be the time for apologies – but Ste shouldn't be the one making them.

"I'm sorry I hit yer Steven."

At this Ste looked up; startled like a deer in headlights.

Brendan tried to hold those eyes but looked down, defeated by the challenge.

"I mean it this time Steven. I'm sorry – I'm sorry for every single time that I thought layin' a finger on yer was the answer. Yer deserve better than me," at this point he found Ste's eyes again, "And I'm gonna make sure yer get it."

Because now Brendan did, get it. For Steven to be happy, to be safe, it wasn't about what Brendan wanted. It was about keeping them as far apart as possible.

"But Brendan-"

"Don't yer have work to do kid?"

"Bren-"

"Jay-sus, what do I pay yer for?!"

Ste nodded, he has learnt not to push it, and backed towards the door as Brendan returned to his paperwork.

"Can I say one thing though?" Ste turned, fingers on the door handle. Brendan just grunted in response. "Have a shave Brendan – the beard? Not so sexy."

Cocky bastard. He was out the door before Brendan could look up, let alone respond. He had to remind himself not to run after Ste, not to throw the boy against a wall and claim his mouth with his own.

Because passion was always just one step away from violence – and he could no longer deny that he loved Steven more than that.

:-:

A shave did help though; gliding that razor across his skin was like finding himself again. A little of the confidence that had been knocked out of him in jail was creeping back and it sure felt good in his blood stream.

He hit a low point, however, when he realised Ste no longer worked for him – that the boy had meant it when he quit all those months ago. That Ste had come to the club purposefully to see him and Brendan had chucked him out of his office like a regular bus-boy.

It meant he owed Ste another apology – something he seemed to be making a habit out of. Not that he was looking for an excuse to run into the boy – he had been steering clear since their conversation and the thought of those blue eyes was like an ache in the pit of his soul. Just one glance – however brief – and that craving would be satisfied for a while. But it would never be enough.

Then he remembered all the reasons why that was a bad idea and decided the apology could wait. He needed to see his family, speak to Eileen, so he bought the next plane ticket to Ireland and left Hollyoaks behind. This time, maybe for good.

:-:

If Ste had been a paranoid person he would have thought that Brendan was avoiding him.

Sure, the guy had said all that stuff about Ste deserving better, but that was just Brendan talk; usually he would have come back and made a play by now.

When Brendan had been inside Ste had hated the man – remembered all the times he had been at the raw ends of those fists, and had believed Brendan guilty because it gave him an excuse to love the guy less.

Just seeing him behind his desk that first day had reminded Ste of all the reasons he did love him – despite everything.

And he'd apologised. Brendan Brady had apologised and sounded sincere about it. But now the Irishman had got it into his head that Ste deserved better. But Ste didn't want better – all Ste had wanted was Brendan, from the moment of that second kiss; when Brendan's lips hit his and Ste knew there would never be any better. And the more Ste thought about it, the more he wanted to explain this to Brendan, just Brendan seemed to have disappeared from Hollyoaks altogether.

Ste caught Cheryl walking through the square just long enough to ask where her brother was –

"He's gone back to Ireland Ste – you're better off without him," She added in what she supposed was a consoling manner.

And where Ste could have shut down and gone numb, he instead became angry. And over the next few months it burned in the pit of his belly…

It was always on Brendan Brady's terms.

:-:

Brendan could have argued that he missed his sister, or the club, that he was getting as far away from his childhood memories as possible, but there was only one reason he came back to Hollyoaks – and it started with 'Ste' and ended with 'Hay'.

He kept his return on the down low for a time. While he was admittedly running back to Ste, he knew he shouldn't see the guy for Ste's sake. And all that time an apology tugged at the back of his brain and Brendan became preoccupied with wondering if he had left it too late.

About a week after he arrived home, Cheryl was barely out the door when the bell rung. Reminding himself he wasn't there, Brendan ignored it. When it continued incessantly however, he resigned himself to having to answer it.

The door had been opened no more than an inch when Ste pushed his way past it and into the room. He glared daggers in Brendan's direction. Solemnly Brendan closed the door so they were alone.

Ste had filled out while Brendan was away – his scrawniness had been replaced with a certain level of brawn, and his tanned skin stretched comfortably over his muscles and bones. His hair had changed too – Brendan wouldn't need to brush it out of the boy's eyes so often.

Eyes that were still boring into Brendan.

"What I said last time – I didn't realise yer'd actually quit." There was no space for hellos or pleasantries; all of Brendan's energy was focused on staying close to the door and away from Ste.

"You think I'm here about that?!"

"I explained this to yer Steven," Brendan said, resting his hand on the bridge of his nose.

"What – that I deserve better? Damn you Brendan! I was willing to give this-" Ste gestured between them, "-another chance but you buggered off and left me!"

"I meant what I said Steven – yer safer without me around."

At this Ste stepped into Brendan's space and stared him down. "So you're allowed to apologise and promise you'll never hurt me again – but I'm not allowed to believe you?"

"Why would yer believe me Steven?"

"Because that's what you do when you love someone."

And the second Ste voiced the 'L' word was the moment Brendan lost control; closing the miniscule space between them and tasting the mouth that has been breathing onto his lips.

This, this was coming home, with Ste's hands in his hair and his tongue in the boy's mouth. The clothes shedding was familiar – coupled with the stumbling up the stairs – but seeing Ste stretched out naked on Brendan's bed was like seeing him for the first time all over again.

And before they did anything else, Brendan wanted to get reacquainted with every inch.


End file.
